remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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