she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
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Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
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We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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