seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
