Just fell off a train. Bad.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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