I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
