Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Randomize
