I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
