Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(518): View more from New York

He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.

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(850): View more from Florida

ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was like, "um, that's my butthole."

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(310): View more from California

...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.

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(647): View more from Ontario

It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....

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