her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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