24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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