anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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