Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
