he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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