god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
