Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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