My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
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Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
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I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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