Sry I called you an 8
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
