i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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