I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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