today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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