they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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