Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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