I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
