I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
