I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
