In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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