just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
