I wish I could punch you in the face.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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