So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
