I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
