He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
