Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
he shaved USA in his pubs
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Randomize
