I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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