Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You have to summon your inner elephant
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
