I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
