Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
