Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I stole a fireplace last night.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
