can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
