Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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