I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
