That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
