On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
