Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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