My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
