What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I think my moral compass just broke
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