Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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