Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
