i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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