I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
