I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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