Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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