Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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