you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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