i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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