I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
