a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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