if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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