what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
