apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
