Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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