Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
